it's going to be very long i think. this is the real me, weather you like it or not. everything i've been through, everything i am, i just need to let it all out somewhere. i haven't told many people most of the things i'm about to talk about, so i would die if someone in rl saw this. so seriously, if i know you in rl please don't read this. i know you want to, and i know me telling you not to will make you want to. but i am begging you, asking you from the bottom of my heart, to seriously not read this. :/
anyways, here is my story.
my name is ariana, i was born and raised in new york. my parents divorced when i was little, i'm not wealthy at all, neither of my parents are. i have two different lives pretty much. one with my dad, one with my mom. i have very few close friends, only like 5 or 6. i hate venting about my problems, cause i know there's always someone worse off than me and i feel really compassionate for them. but sometimes, i just need to vent regardless of how i feel.
one of the toughest things i have to go through is i have ocd, social anxiety, and borderline personality disorder.
i believe that i developed the bpd from what i think was sexual abuse. i never got a legit diagnosis for this, but from how i act i have many of the "symptoms" or whatever and also my grandma, who was a nurse, said i possibly have it. i never told her, though, about the reason why i think i have it. anyway, i can barely remember, i was really young. and it wasn't really abuse, more of... molesting i guess, but not intentional. i know he didn't know any better. i don't know. it was my cousin, who was 12 at the time i assume he was just figuring out his body and stuff, because he would always get 6 year old me into his room and make me do stuff. again, this is the little i can remember.
i always get little flashbacks, and it kills me. but i don't remember full on. this is the hardest thing i've had to talk about. i've wrote about it before on here, it might still be up on one of my old accounts, i don't know. but it's just really, really hard. i will never talk about it in person, ever. my cousin and i are fine now, i'm sure he forgot all about it. but it really did scar me, i think.
i will never feel comfortable telling this to my mom, dad, or anyone. i guess that's why i'd rather spill my guts on here, instead of in real life, because i'd rather strangers judge me and stuff rather than those close to me who i care about. i don't know, maybe i'm just weird.
my anxiety is really strange. i'm over emotional, like extremely. this sounds so stupid, and it's the ting i'm most embarrassed about. i hate hate hate it when people don't like me. i just can't stand it. i try to be the perfect person, to stay out of drama, so no one hates me. if i'm talking to someone and they don't use smiley faces or "lol" i think they hate me. that might be paranoia though. i always think people won't like me, i'm very self conscious.
social anxiety prevents me from making friends, because i always feel people are pointing out the worst in me when i talk to them, or they don't like me. the littlest thing can make me think someone hates me, it's honestly embarrassing to admit that. i've been told over and over to think of the positives but i just can't. i'm really shy, and like awkward and i don't like going out really. i've only gone to a few parties in my life. and it's really hard to trust people.
also, just a small side note, i absolutely hate it when people think ocd is just a "neat freak" disease. it's not. ocd is is an anxiety disorder where you have repeated thoughts & feelings & emotions.
it's just over all really embarrassing to me. i can't stress that enough. i hate that i can't help when i cry, or get mad. if i could have it the way i wanted, i would never cry in public. but, unfortunately, i can't have it that way. like, one time i got a bad grade on my math test, so i cried. in school. in public. i was mortified, which made me cry more, which didn't help.
overall, sometimes i just think i'm completely crazy. but then i go on tumblr, or here, and see things other people went though, and people who are the same as me, it makes me feel better about myself that i'm not the only one.
i don't want sympathy really, i don't. i only made this to get everything off my chest. i actually hate saying this stuff, because i always feel people will think i'm looking for attention or whatever.
but my life isn't all sad and crazy l o l. i'm glad i have two different places to live sometimes, and i have an amazing sister/best friend. she helps me through everything. and i have amazing polyvore friends too who are so understanding and nice and just amazing. i have a great relationship with my mom, i tell her everything. even though we fight sometimes, it's normal and i still love her. i have an amazing family and i don't know what i'd do without them :3
idk i'm done i guess. sorry for wasting your time with my story.
if you read this all, comment saying picklepops.